Monday, June 27, 2005

sailor jerry and mexican slang

Reposted from a myspace blog dated June 3, 2005:

late night rock show at otto's. i got to have some sailor jerry's rum and catch up with some old friends.

note to all my friends: when you see me hooking up or dating someone you know to be an asshole. don't wait an entire year to tell me. and by dating/hooking up (since this concept is so ambiguous these days) i mean, flirting, talking, kissing, grinding etc. not that i let these little trysts last that long, it's just i feel like a total asshole when you tell that you can't believe i hooked up with "that guy". ha. just funny conversations with josh while he was really drunk. nothing better than hearing from him that he heard you getting it on with someone like a year ago. i don't know whether to turn red or laugh uncontrollably.

so the show was good, at some point i became really tired and left before the encore. it was a sort of private show being that btd's antics cleared the room of anyone that didn't have some sort of affiliation to them.

before that i went to an after-work happy hour with the guys from my old job. we talked smack about our old coworkers and ate the free jamaican bbq while listening to the rasta men sing bob marley covers.

so on my way home i listened to one of those new beck songs from guero. i used to really be into beck, not so much now, but the album name intrigued me. when bartending in mexico, i was exposed to a myriad of vernacular deriving specifically from mexico. one of the most intersting ones was "guey".

i had a spanish prof when there that i shared with another girl. our classes consisited of meeting in the courtyard and telling stories in spanish and going to the markets and learing more spanish. marco was the prof's name, he was kind of sexy. anyway i asked marco what the guey meant. in slang it is transalated loosely to the equivalent of "motherfukcer". you may hear some mex's say something like, "que onda guey?" meaning, "what's up motherfucker?"

now becks new album is called guero which is a form of that word. guey originally comes from the old mexican translation of ox, while guero means something along the lines of leather, also used as a derrogatory word in spanish. anyway, i cracked up when i hear beck singing those words. i wonder if anyone wrote about this in a review or something. i am sure beck is snickering to himself, much like i was as i walked back to my apartment last night.


Reposted from a myspace blog dated May 27, 2005:


i drove past this old salon in elizabeth today on my way home. i really love that esthetic, sort of 1950's hip of thing, just love it...the clothes the pin up style, red lipstick, high heels, girly sexy dresses and gloves. anyway, i got to thinking. the 50's were a while ago and use that term so loosely like it was yesterday. most of my generation had parents and grandparents that were out galavanting in those days, cutting it up. i have a pic of my grandma and pops was a dapper young fellow back in the day, and judging by the sarcastic motherfucker that he is now, we would have gotten along just fine.

how's it gonna be when we are approaching 2050? it's easy to be nostalgic about something before us, but even now it is kind of weird to be watching shows on vh1 about the 80's, being that there is still so much proximity. that's what gets me. when i think of the future, i think of all this spacey kind of imagery that i guess we got from the 1950's, a sort of mod thing.

i think of friends getting married and having babies and...wait that shit is already happening. i forgot i am all grown up and working a full time job, living in an apartment with 2 guys and 2 cats. sitting in my room in the dark, listening to a record and typing random thoughts on my do you sucessfully transition into all of this. maybe i just think too much. when will we be the old ones that the young ones say...oh back in your day?

i walked in on what i think was a first first kiss. the cute punk rock girl next door was in the hallway that we share with a boy kissing in the doorway, i was bringing the garbage out and changing my laundry into the dryer. it was weird, i caught the end of it and couldn't do anything but interupt it since i didn't expect them to be out there. she gleefully skipped back to her apt and he stood still in the doorway kind of starstruck. i thought, wow, i am part of their memory. it was nice to see the innocence in their eyes. the kind that you only have once, that's why i think it was a first first kiss. maybe i am wrong, or just so far out of the first kissing game to come all our expectations or ideals form instead of an understanding of what really is? are we really optimists at heart willing to be let down for a holdout ideal that we know we may never get?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

everybody says i love you.

yup, i survived. i can even say that i had a really nice time. the wedding took place in my old church at the catholic school where i went for 9 years (k-8). It seemed to have a sweet familiarity that one can only attribute to the childhood game of folding your hands and singing the song about the steeple and the people inside. I guess it had something to do with the way the rafters are all wooden and exposed, or the way that nothing much has changed in the interior, except the prayer candles that have changed from the traditional candle this electronic candle that only lights up when you put in money and hit a button. Aaron, Suf and I took amazed at it, I took a pic too.

so i got to the wedding late, because there were a zillion garage sales and flea markets going on in town. it felt kind of strange to be all dressed up in my home town, running across the street in heels that were way to high for a saturday morning. when i walked in the service had already started. I saw Karen Hajack and sat next to her, we went to Queen of Peace together and played softball for what seems like forever, She is getting married next week, to a guy that i might add, who looks a lot like her. Further down the pew were Shari and Russ and their son Russel. Russel is the perfect composite of both Shari and Russ. It's kind of creepy to see two people that you knew separately get married and then have a kid.

Most of the service I spent spying on people from the back of their heads, since I sat in the way back. I was feeling a bit inadequate until the "sign of peace" when i turned around and saw Sufjan sitting behind me. It seems that everyone I spied was there with a significant other, and well, it's kind of weird to see how rampant that coupling and breeding shit is spreading in the suburbs. When I took communion, which I probabaly shouldn't have, I saw most of the other people that I expected to be there.

This wedding was cute and endearing becuase of the total innocence of it. Dennis and Kitchen may be the only couple that could gracefully and believably do the whole no sex before marriage thing.

The service held the longest wedding kiss on record, in my book, which made me wonder why they decided to have the reception last all night. But another cute thing that happened was Dennis taking pics of the both of them and the crowd from his camera while up at the alter. Even when he was kissing her, he took a pic. It was freaking adorable, in the cheesiest way possible. One last cool thing, the bride came in on her dad's Harley with a little helmet with a veil attached. Dad, are you reading this?

The wedding cleared out and then the catching up began so many people to see and talk to. It was incredibly hot yesterday and the reception was outside with no air conditioning. I am glad that I brought a change of clothes.

I'd like to take this time to thank dennis and kitchen for seating me near rich beatty. Thank god, my standby- future husband of Jon Kempe was there sitting next to me pretending to be my date.

My pretend date, the youngest Kempe.

Rich Beatty was the mildly retarted kid in my grade that started coming to a bible study that Jai and I had, he kind of latched onto our crew and being the good evangelical chrisians we were/are, we took him in....somehow I end up babysitting him. Rich was driving me crazy with his annoying banter and loudness. During Dennis and Kitchen's song, they danced and Rich sang along, all out of tune and off time, humming to the parts he didn't know the words to. It was rather comical, esp when Jon turned to him and said that, "maybe you shouldn't sing if you don't know the words."

Me, Rich and Jai....Bible study buddies.

So i caught up with Melissa, Aaron and Suf. I hadn't seen Mel and Aaron since god knows when, some time ago in brooklyn, before they got married and moved away. Melissa was my first roommate in Brooklyn, we had the apartment where bands from all over would crash at. It was not uncommon to come home to a living room full of strange/cute rocker boys. Most were just there stopping by. The Royal City boys were the best, and Aaron was from that band. Those Canadians were such great house guests, I guess that's why we let them stay, or maybe it had to do with the fact that Mel and Aaron were destined for eachother.




We exchanged stories of our present lives an reminisced about the days at 62 Russel st. My fave was when the Royal City guys were at my place, and my dad came to bring me to lunch. He rode the bike in and came upstairs with his colors on. The guys were terrified. My dad looks at me in the hallway and says within earshot," who are all these homos?" Aaron still remembers this. It was pretty funny.

A few last things, I didn't have to talk or sit near Jai and Kate got really fat. HA! John Gellings was there, but we didn't get to talk, he even brought his girl with him!! I got to hang out with Corinne and just be silly dancing like a fool. I sat outside in the hot sun and drank way too many beers before 8pm!

This blog is getting long, and I need to get ready for some NJ Fun Society fun. I am sure more stories will emerge.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

garden state parkway

vauxhall rd, i have forsaken you.
the 11.2 miles from my house to the office has made me mad.
driven me to the overheated radiator of my soul, and i am screaming.
the car slips in and out of the yellow lines,
around the cadallacs and audi's.
with thier divers that talk on their phones and apply their makeup.

the line was too long, vauxhall. i couldn't commit. so i cut of a minivan and took the exit for rt 82.
*this is a really bad blog*

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

the adventures of dharma punk and prayer

i was having a conversation about an former yoga teacher who had kind of disappeared. i knew her daughter was sick, but i didn't realize she was sick with an eating disorder. the last i saw the teacher, i was blissfully leaving class and asked how everything was with her....i was taking a lot of her classes and getting to know her better....she looked at me and said, "things are really bad, my daughter is sick." then she was interrupted and i never saw her again. i was really moved by this and even sent her an email to follow up. i was upset by the way she said it, but i never really heard back from her.

so after hearing the reason of the sickness, and that the daughter was still sick i was overwhelmed, to the point of feeling compelled to pray.
funny i should think to do that bc i really don't know how i feel about god and prayer in general. there was a time in my life where i would pray a lot. i kind of thought it was my calling, to be a sort of intercessor. this sounds strange to even type, but it was my reality. now i question the whole concept and value of a prayer. i mean, it's not like i would constantly be asking for things in prayer, but the prayer seemed to me to take that pain onto myself. anyway, i am still the caring person i was, but maybe i just don't call prayers prayer anymore, but i also don't over expend myself to strangers, there is a tougher shell.

this all came up from the meditation in class, where my teacher, sharon, shared from this book called dharma punk. to make a long story short it brought up my thoughts on prayer...mostly because(and this is where the whole dharma punk lesson comes in) i am in this place where i am trying to be me minus that whole world of christianity and what not, without pushing spirituality completely out and closing off my emotions. so the topic was acceptance, and now after typing that i feel like i am my mom talking about AA..."nicki, you need to learn more about acceptance, it's in the steps. you need to look at yourself and change."

but really, i constantly run into this idea of polarity. i think and mostly act in extremes. in my mind it is hard to see how things can be gray and that's ok. but life is about the different shades of gray and really they aren't gray at all. between back, which is the absense of color and white there are all the colors and perspective. there is a nice balance that needs to be found. and it is in that, that we can be our selves, right? ying and yang, old and new, higher self and lower self...etc. the thing is that it's hard to accept the here and now when it isn't the way i want it (i just erased we and put i). but that is the way you live life to the fullest.


Monday, June 13, 2005

11pm Cedar Grove CVS

I had my doc send over my script to the 24hr CVS since I knew I had school until 10 and I wouldn't be back in the Jerz until around 10:30/11ish. I should have expected the worst when I almost got plowed down in the parking lot by some stupid freaking frat boy that was blasting the dave matthews band or just some really bad music that I would associate with that band.

It's 11pm and there are long lines in the cvs and real freaks out shopping. Making my way to the back of the store the frat-hole almost walks into me while looking for a magazine on the rack. how he got in front of me, i do not know. then i get to the line and there is this older couple there. the husband disappears and the wife decked out for a night on the town at cvs starts a fight with the pharmacist over generics and pricing. then, she can't find her card to pay. John, honey.....where's the card? the fat older husband waddles over and starts berating her over the fact the she must have lost the card. It turns out to be in his back pocket. they have a cart full of items, like it's freaking shoprite or something.

to keep myself from having retail rage, i do a tree pose and try to breath. my foot is planted on the inside of my other leg and i am drifting into a peaceful place when i hear....(crecendo)fucking shut up, fucking shut up. dammit, i said fucking shut up! - there's a 6ft 300 lb swearing machine at the other end of the pharmacy counter. the man in front of me gets his meds and i quickly get mine and leave, not without spying the older single men that were doing their grocery shopping at 11pm at the fucking CVS!

man, i need to go to sleep. it was just too surreal to not write about, even if it isn't totally coherent....i am overschooled today.

Tomorrow, I am going to an internist to find out why I am so dizzy. Hopefully that creepy animal will burrow it's way up through the floor of our trailer and some other fun stuff will happen.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

party til you can't stay up no more...

i awoke from my non-drunken stooper at 3pm today. cleaned the place up a bit and went to an informational meeting about yoga teacher training. i am so excited. i really want to do it. i just need to keep focused on school for now and graduate. i am so unsure of what the future holds as far as career and all. i keep trying to plan it all out, it that just doesn't work. just trying to go for what i really want and make that work. i want to become a therapist and i would love to teach yoga. there are so many little steps to get there, but at least i am moving in the right direction, or any direction for that matter.

last night was a lot of fun. i realized how many great friends i have and have had for years and the new ones too, are so appreciated. for some strange reason i have just felt really grateful for the connections that i do have. even before the party, i spoke with becky, one of my high school best friends that i had lost touch with and recently reunited with. make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver and the other's gold. (damn, girl scouts songs!)

it was interesting to be sober through the whole night. to see everyone through the stages of the party. being a hostess is tiring, but it was much better when i wasn't puking, crying or just drinking too much. the evening had such highlights as the karate kid love theme....catching dave staring at my boobs, singing oasis, and just being silly.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

seemingly starved for conversation

seemingly starved for conversation
she begins.
her fingers do all the talking.
as to keep the loud silence in her head appeased.
feed the silence, make more noise, evade reality.

when she's alone it's all so clear.
what she wants.
how she wants it.
But with others it's not so clear.
are they the wrong ones?

virgin attempts at sanity

virginity has always been a strange and sort of awkward subject for me...why not breech the impass of bloghood by throwing these random thoughts in this virgin blog.

i kept my virginity until i was 21. the first sex i had was horrible. we had to pray afterward. it wasn't until years later that i understood that sex didn't have to be so emotional. i am 27 now.

that's just too much to talk about in the morning with a throbbing toothache.
i have been blogging on myspace for a while now, and i thought it was about time to open my horizons and put it out here. i had found this one guys blog the other day and thought wow that is some beautiful shit. i need to start writing a bit more from my heart and discard all the weird relationship complaints....maybe i feel this is a better forum to do it in for some reason. maybe i will be able to write some poetry and not erase it before publishing.