Sunday, January 17, 2010


It's been a while since I checked in. Truth is, I tried to write a few blogs, but my mind was too fuzzy. The last two weeks went by pretty quickly and now I am finding a rythym to keep things moving forward. After a long time of going to doctors and complaining of pain, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last week. You probably have heard of it from the Lyrica commercials where the woman talks about how it hurts all over -- that could have been me talking.

It wasn't much of a surprise since I started to really hone in on the spots that were giving me the most pain. I would wake up with incredible pain in my elbows, my neck and shoulders were in a constant state of tension and my low back was tender. Apparently all part of the sensitivity points to diagnose fibro (see the image to the right courtesy of wikipedia). It's thought that the nerves are in over drive. It makes sense to me, since after taking the medicine, things all over seem less tense. There were parts of my body that were numb or tingly all the time and that is starting to dissipate.

I have heard that it's common to go through the diagnosis stream of lyme to chronic fatigue to fibromyalgia because the last two are what they call diagnoses of exclusion. Trust me, there is nothing exclusive about it. It's been almost a year of visiting doctors and specialists to be told that it's nothing. That and the fact that on the outside I look fairly normal which caused family, friend and coworkers to question the validity of me being sick. It was a bummer on all accounts. Luckily, Jared has been so supportive and in fact was the person who pushed me to go to more doctors when I still didn't feel well.

So now what do I do? I'm not totally sure. I took my first Lyrica pill on Friday night and woke up Saturday feeling like I ate a pot brownie and had no pain. It was euphoric and wonderful. I took a yoga class, had lunch with some girls and then even accompanied Jared to pick out the tuxes. Then, there was the crash. The pain slowly snuck back, it was time for me to take another pill and things sort of subsided, but I was beat!

Today I realized that I need to be really sensitive to my body and where it's at on a given day. I can't jump back into life just because I feel 'better' -- feeling that euphoric high isn't really a cure either. I am sure there will be some time to get used to this drug in my system, but for now, I am just trying to live a life where I participate but also know my boundaries and when to just step back and rest. That's a tough one.

When I took class yesterday, it was my class -- the one I have taught for almost four years! So it was interesting to step in and be on the other side. I am lucky to have a great teacher and friend taking over the class while I am gone, so I had no reservations about not being the teacher, I think I just found it neat to be a student amongst my own students; it was rather liberating.

I had taken a class a few weeks ago with my dear teacher and the theme was subject vs. object in which we explored the idea that usually we are the subject in life. But what happens when we allow that which is around us to be the subject as we assume the object role? Think about it, in our lives, we are the subject, but sometimes we need to step back and just let things be -- step out of that giving role and allow yourself to receive. Being sick has shown me that it's ok to let down your guard and just rest when you need to, or you will just wear out. There are a few times when we are called to be the object that I can think of and those are in learning and healing. (I am sure there are many more, but we usually find a way to make ourselves the subject.)

Ironically in the my Saturday class we went to kick up into handstands at the wall and I was not quite making it. I had a couple of failed attempts where I got just up to the wall but my legs flailed and so I came down. It was part lack of practice and part drug-induced lack of balance. I assisted some other students into the pose and returned to my mat. As I returned to the mat, a lovely student asked me if I wanted an assist. I didn't take long to think about it, but when I replied, I had this happy grin. With a quick kick I was up at the wall and then balancing, but the best part is that I didn't have to be the subject, I just got to be a part of it. Something about that moment made me feel like I was just in the right place.


Patti said...

Please call me Nicole...I would be honored to help you in your journey to recovery xoxo

Morag said...

Sorry to hear that you are still feeling horrible! I miss your class!

nicole marie said...

Hey Morag! I am feeling better and am back to teaching at the studio in South Orange (South Mountain Yoga). Come by!!