maid of honor.

in the next two weeks i will be maid of honor in two - count them - two weddings. not sure how i feel about this; one is pretty chill, and the other is not so chill. tomorrow i get to chill, and by chill i mean take a ferry to city hall and watch my bff get hitched to a pretty stellar guy. she's going all out full wedding dress and her two daughters as flower girls. i just hope the predicted thunderstorms hold off a bit.

i am having 5 girls in my wedding party -- is that too much? is it bad that i want them to wear black? what if i morph into a bridezilla and mandate pink taffeta -- what if? and what's up with having to 'pick my colors' now? why do people have to make this whole wedding planning thing a pain in the ass? i will remind you that i am getting married next april, not next week!

also, tonight my rents meet jared's rents. hopefully cathcart will behave herself.

louder than bombs.

jared and i attended church (this was the first time as a couple). i am conflicted on many levels about the whole world of church, but that's a subject for another blog entry. at the first reformed church of pompton plains, nj, the church of choice for my late grandmother, we joined my father and stepmother for the memorial day service. we were also there to meet with the pastor -- a woman, with hippie and Buddhist tendencies-- who we've asked to officiate our wedding. getting married brings up lots of life questions, and though jared and i are open, spiritual people the question of who could marry us was a bit of an enigma.

i met pastor kathleen the day of my grandmother's funeral; it was a sad day. i am inclined to be a crier, have been since i was a child, so this day was sure to be a doozey. here i sat with my father, my uncles and their wives. i felt like i got asked to the adult table for the first time and i wasn't going to screw it up. but then again we are talking about death and dealing with it, and let's face it all my fears and insecurities are rooted in the fact that one day all the people in the room, whom i love dearly, are going to pass on and usually just thinking of that mere possibility sends me into hyperventilation-mode. anyway, pastor kathleen was calm, cool and collected -- much unlike myself, but she definitely helped to calm me down.

she went through the motions of setting up and personalizing grandma's funeral service and then when we were all left with an unsettling silence/sobbing, she went on to explain death in the most simple and eloquent way ever. it was clearly (to me) a Buddhists perspective which explained a constant pulsation of painless perfection that is in all of us, that gets littered by the weight of the world to the point that we feel pain and suffering. and death, she explained was an ultimate letting go of that baggage, that pain and suffering.

i was impressed. my experiences of people who are christian are usually contained and textbook, that is, they would not be able to hold such a perspective and call themselves a christian let alone be a pastor. it was refreshing and encouraging to someone who never had any example of someone that could hold such beliefs at the same time. so it was a natural choice to ask her to perform our ceremony, and as an added bonus, it will honor my grandmother who would have been tickled pink that we are getting married there.

back to the service. it was full of olds. not even the type of olds i work with, but older olds. the ones who during the memorial day slide show practically stood up and saluted the flag. i have to say, it was moving -- but definitely not the type of folks i could see stepping outside of a sort of white evangelical christian perspective. there was a lot of talk of freedom coming at a price but overall i thought it was fairly restrained, suburban and conservative. i began to question if i totally misread the pastor. after the service we went up to talk to her, and then my mind was put to ease. she explained that though she was anti-war, the congregation was very old school.

upon leaving, she told us to check out her silent protest out in front on the church lawn. out in front there were about 50 flags stuck in the ground. they had signs on them with names of boys, their ages and hometowns. they represented all the boys (and i say boys bc the average age was 22) that lost their lives fighting for our country over the past few years in Afghanistan and Iraq. it was heartbreaking. we have to choose our battles, but we also have to remember the mistakes of our past. it brought a new meaning to memorial day for me.

every freaking day.

i get (verbally,mentally and actually one time physically) accosted by these street people under the guise of Children's International. they work the small block across the street from Bloomingdale's which happens to be the block i work on. admittedly, i have never actually given them my time so that they could goad me into giving some money to children in a third world country (think sally struthers but with a blue smock with CHILDREN'S INTERNATIONAL plastered across it).

they are there every freaking day. with their chipper smiles and sneaky ways. the thing is, that when i walk past them it is either to run and grab some lunch, which - mind you - i have to bring back to either eat at my desk or at a communal table with coworkers who eat and talk with their mouth full, or they catch my running on my way to catch the subway in hopes of escaping manhattan at the mercy of nj transit.

and they are out there in rain or snow, hot or cold; i just wish they could spread their love around to other blocks. there have been times that i had to forgo my chinese take-out of choice bc i just couldn't handle dealing with them. i have even resorted to pretending to talk on my cell when passing them. it's pathetic, i know. i guess that's what you get for working in the city.

grape escape.

along with all the craziness, there's always fun sprinkled in.

this weekend, with the help of family and friends, i wisked my bff jamie anderson out for a bachelorette party. we decided to forgo the usual debauchery and opted for a more adventure/learning party. the first stop was to a local wine making school which was way cooler than i could have imagined.

after a lot of surfing the net and conversing with jamie's sister and finacee, it was decided to go with the wine making project. the thing was, i had found this place on the web and really couldn't be sure if it was legit or lame. the first impression was a bit sketchy since it was located in an industrial park, behind a korean church. luckily we got legit and totally cool as opposed to lame. when we arrived at the grape escape (i can't decide if that name is hip or terribly unfortunate), in dayton, nj the owner greeted us and immediately handed us the scheduled printed up on a magnet. we were there for the first set in a four part process. today's mission = crushing. after about 2 minutes of introductions and overview, we were handing some of the homemade vino which was very good. nothing like a litte wine to start out your wine class!

the crushing process was very cool; we had 756 lbs of chilean malbec grapes to crush (see pic above). they were super-sweet and a dark inky color. unfortunately, we didn't get to stomp them with our feet - i love lucy style, but they said it can be done, if you do an entire barrel full -- oh and it takes about 3 hours. we moved the grapes into the crushing machine and watched them get pumped and tranformed into a big vat of pulpy grape juice. to the right is a pic of me dropping the grapes into the crusher.

after the juice (i believe in the wine-making world it's called concentrate) was made sure that the pH levels and sugar content were up to snuff. the sugar content converts about 2:1 to the amount of alcohol content in your finished product. there were some organic solvent sort of items added to assure the best color and flavor gets pulled from the juice. we mixed some more, sipped some wine and just enjoyed the whole experience. we got a tour and a taste for the other steps to come. the process goes: crushing, pressing, racking and finally bottling and labeling. you even get to design your own labels! they also offer wine tastings and bottle your own olive oil. some other people that were there making wine mentioned that the tastings are excellent and allow you to try the same wine from different barrels to actually taste the difference.

here's a pic of us all with the future hootch!
becky, kelli, pat, jamie and myself.

overall it was a great alternative to going out for a debaucherous night on the town! after the wine making we went back to my place, had some wine and cheese and then walked up to table 8 for an amazing dinner. the culminated with an adventure that involved a shopping cart, some bachelorette party decorations and a bunch of drunk girls. somehow you can take the girls out of 'the mountain' but you can't take 'the mountain' out of the girls!! best wishes jamie and steve!!!

polarized.

the past six months or so have been a jumble of craziness. some good -- most bad. my uncle paulie was diagnosed with cancer, my grandmother took a turn for the worse as she passed away, a friend was killed in a motorcycle accident and just this week my father suffered a heart attack. there's always a silver lining, or so they say. he was lucky enough to survive. but it begs the question -- when will all of this crap stop piling up on us? i guess it never really does. the thing with life is that it's never really static, there's always something changing.

when writing to a friend this week, i wrote about how i felt like i was the sand at the beach and the ocean was lapping over me again and again. somehow i am resilient, crumbling slightly and yet maintaining some form from the other sand around me.

back to that silver lining... somehow jared and i decided that nj would be a better place for us to live and with all this drama, i got to remain surrounded by friends and family for all the crap. things like my father's heart attack are also a wake up call not only to live life fully but also to be aware. aware of how you take care of yourself and all the little things that come along with living. the fact that my uncle is now in remission reminds me that no matter how glum the outlook, things can always turn around.

i read a really great article on huffpo yesterday about just these sorts of situations. in a way, it's like the world is falling down around us all. but at that same time good, albeit beautiful things are happening. for instance my sister and i are getting married. but we all experience these rough times. these times allow us to turn within and what the article calls 'incubate'. i teach this stuff every week in my yoga classes and i hope to exercise it in my own life. it's funny how you can so easily offer something out to someone when you barely can fully experience it yourself -- but that happens.

there's darkness and there's light. we have our assumptions about which is good and which is bad. but from a tantric perspective good and bad aren't as important. the importance comes from gathering fullness in both. incubation occurs in darkness and it is in that darkness that development and transformation happens so the individual can emerge into the light stronger and fuller. a better version of they already are (possibly).

i've felt this sort of anxiety over the last few months, like when will the other shoe drop...what else can go wrong?? i try not to get caught up with it but when so many tough things keep coming your way you start to almost expect more. we all wait for things in the darkness: answers, signs, disasters and even miracles. allowing the darkness to be a comfort changes things. try it.

in the meantime, i wait not for just the bad, but also the good changes. and i think tomorrow will be a mental health day to just chill out and enjoy the light. maybe someone can pray for the rain to cease for just a little bit.

gluten free date(steak) night.

Outback - who knew? Well, actually I read somewhere that outbak had a
gf menu. Luckily meat and potatoes are naturally gluten free so there
were many choices -- including a flourless brownie. Overall pretty
tastey. The menu had one thing that was suspect, it said that rice is
not gf. I beg to differ but maybe they put something in it to make it
glutinous.

thanks to uncle kev and aunt carol for our gift card. we definitely enjoyed all of it!

just be.

When I try to recall the girl I was decades ago, at my high school graduation, I seem to have as much in common with her as I do with any stranger I might pass in the doorway of a Starbucks or in the aisle of an airplane. I cannot remember exactly what she wore, or how she felt, or what she said, or ate, or read. But I can tell you this about her without question: She was perfect....

Trying to be perfect may be inevitable for people who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at one level it's too hard, and at another, it's too cheap and easy. Because all it really requires of you, mainly, is to read the zeitgeist of wherever and whenever you happen to be and to assume the masks necessary to be the best at whatever the zeitgeist dictates or requires. Those requirements shape-shift, sure, but when you're clever you can read them and come up with the imitation necessary.

But nothing important, or meaningful, or beautiful, or interesting, or great, ever came out of imitations. What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the world of becoming yourself.

More difficult because there is no zeitgeist to read, no template to follow, no mask to wear. Terrifying, actually, because it requires you to set aside what your friends expect, what your family and your co-workers demand, what your acquaintances require, to set aside the messages this culture sends, through its advertising, its entertainment, its disdain, and its disapproval, about how you should behave....

Begin with that most frightening of all things, a clean slate. And then look, every day, at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: Because they are what I want, or wish for. Because they reflect who and what I am.

This is the hard work of life in the world, to acknowledge within yourself the introvert, the clown, the artist, the homebody, the goofball, the thinker. Look inside. That way lies dancing to the melodies spun by your own heart....

Perfection is static, even boring. Imitations are redundant. Your true unvarnished self is what is wanted....

Give up the nonsensical and punishing quest for perfection that dogs too many of us through too much of our lives. It is a quest that causes us to doubt and denigrate ourselves, our true selves, our quirks and foibles and great heroic leaps into the unknown. Much of what we were at five or six is what we wind up wishing we could be at fifty or sixty. And that's bad enough.

But this worse: Someday, sometime, you will be sitting somewhere. A berm overlooking a pond in Vermont. The lip of the Grand Canyon at sunset. A seat on the subway. And something bad will have happened: You will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something at which you badly wanted to succeed.

And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for some core to sustain you. And if you have been perfect all your life and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where that core ought to be.

I don't want anyone I know to take that terrible chance. And the only way to avoid it is to listen to that small voice inside you that tells you to make mischief, to have fun, to be contrarian, to go another way. George Eliot wrote, "It is never too late to be what you might have been." It is never too early, either.

"Being Perfect," Anna Quindlen

holy crap....this was so encouraging and true. i was never perfect, never even a bit close -- but inside i was beating myself up bc i thought i would never get anywhere near that said perfect. little did i know how much it really didn't matter. i emerged from my early 20's with poor self esteem and depression so deeply rooted that it actually affected the way i stood. like i was an old lady. it hurt to stand up straight and be me. there were a lot of nerves and insecure thought that pumped through my head and entire being like blood pumping through my veins.

life seemed to get a whole lot easier and fuller when i actually let myself just be.

grace is there to push you along

things keep moving. grace comes and gently pushes you forward, even though you long to linger in the sad memories.

this easter was our first holiday together, in our apartment. we entertained and ate lots of good food. new, happy memories.

we make them to remember during the sad times.

tonight in jungleland

it's bee a rough couple of weeks.

my grandma passed away on March 4th and i am still trying to process it. i wrote a few blog drafts but never felt quite right. there was all this commotion leading up to it, during the funeral and then even after.

jared moved to nj and it's going really well with the exception of his mean cat. i am so lucky to have someone who loves me so much that he'll move to another time zone to be with me.

then... yesterday i found out that my friend, steve king, was killed when he was struck on his motorcyle after a guy ran a stop sign in LA.

i guess this is life... really tough stuff and then really great stuff mixed in. either way, i feel really sort of numb. it's like sensory overload. i want to crawl back in bed and cry but then again i am not sure i actually would.

alpha found his obit online here - and yes, alpha, it doesn't do him justice.

it's not quite how i would explain steve.
there was never a dull conversation.
never a dull moment.
there was something restless and yet embracing about his spirit. all my memories of him are intense; that's just how he was.

last night on my way home i listened to Born to run. it was an album i think i introduced him to when i first met him three years ago on my birthday. we were in the car on the way down to AC. it's like i could see it change him. we listened to it on vinyl when we got back to montclair. the album always meant a lot to me since i remember listening to it with my dad... but now it just makes me think of him.

this song in particular....

The rangers had a homecoming in harlem late last night
And the magic rat drove his sleek machine over the jersey state line
Barefoot girl sitting on the hood of a dodge
Drinking warm beer in the soft summer rain
The rat pulls into town rolls up his pants
Together they take a stab at romance and disappear down flamingo lane

Well the maximum lawman run down flamingo chasing the rat and the barefoot
Girl
And the kids round here look just like shadows always quiet, holding hands
From the churches to the jails tonight all is silence in the world
As we take our stand down in jungleland

The midnight gangs assembled and picked a rendezvous for the night
Theyll meet `neath that giant exxon sign that brings this fair city light
Man theres an opera out on the turnpike
Theres a ballet being fought out in the alley
Until the local cops, cherry tops, rips this holy night
The streets alive as secret debts are paid
Contacts made, they vanished unseen
Kids flash guitars just like switch-blades hustling for the record machine
The hungry and the hunted explode into rocknroll bands
That face off against each other out in the street down in jungleland

In the parking lot the visionaries dress in the latest rage
Inside the backstreet girls are dancing to the records that the d.j. plays
Lonely-hearted lovers struggle in dark corners
Desperate as the night moves on, just a look and a whisper, and theyre gone

Beneath the city two hearts beat
Soul engines running through a night so tender in a bedroom locked
In whispers of soft refusal and then surrender in the tunnels uptown
The rats own dream guns him down as shots echo down them hallways in the
Night
No one watches when the ambulance pulls away
Or as the girl shuts out the bedroom light

Outside the streets on fire in a real death waltz
Between flesh and whats fantasy and the poets down here
Dont write nothing at all, they just stand back and let it all be
And in the quick of the night they reach for their moment
And try to make an honest stand but they wind up wounded, not even dead
Tonight in jungleland

let me bring you up to speed.

jared was here for valentine's day - our first as an engaged couple (i know, barf-city). he took my yoga class and totally kicked butt (there's a pic of us to the right just before he took class). then we went to the awesome table 8 in monty-clair for a romantic dinner. i seriously can't wait for him to be living in nj already.

so getting engaged was like a total whirlwind. all i know is that since my trip to florida for the holidays, life has blown by. there are some things i have noticed as a newly engaged person that are both pleasing and totally irritating.

ok...first off, i love the way people react when they hear i am engaged. i mean, i guess i knew they would react like this before. when i was single people would get upset for me that i didn't have a special someone...but the usual reaction is something along the lines of, 'you deserve all the happiness', or a sort of welling up congratulatory hysteria. it's awesome. and yes, jared and i are really excited. i am also realizing how many wonderful people are in my life that i get to share this happiness with from friend and family to coworkers and students it's a great experience to share.

the most exciting thing is that jared is moving here like in less than 2 weeks!! so that in itself has been a lot of work. i found us a new apartment (so long ann frank room) -- and it's awesome. i am so happy to have a real oven and a real kitchen for the first time if forever. i have already been cooking and baking more. moreover, the new place has a big bedroom, lots of windows, a dining room and an outdoor deck. plus it's right in downtown montclair. i really scored on this one. to the left is a picture of a blueberry pear pie i baked. it's gluten free - the crust is actually store bought, but i promise to make it from scratch next time. the pie filling was made with organic blueberries and agave nectar and topped with pears in the shape of a lotus flower, it was simply scrumptuous! i will definitely be experimenting with my baking expertise and other gluten, dairy and sugar free goodies! i can't wait until jared arrives with a dining room table so my entertaining can move from cushions on the floor to a proper table.

i am a 'person of action' as jared's grandpa says. all the while we have been trying to figure out the details of this whole wedding process. the day after we got engaged, we went to the book store and got a planner and it was really helpful to go over all the expectations that each of us had for a wedding before actually starting the planning. initially, we wanted a fall wedding but since my sister is getting hitched this summer, we are pushing the date out to spring 2010. that gives us lots of time to come up with fun and unique things for our big day. btw, our big day will be april 24, 2010.

that answers part of the burning question on everyone's mind. that's one of the things that kills me. seriously, can't people be engaged for like a month or two without having every possible detail planned (esp if your fiancee lives in another time zone??)?? now, the other part -- the location. we knew we didn't want a wedding at a big hall or as well call them, wedding factories. i do see the ease to doing this, since there is a lot of things to plan that a place like that covers. i wanted to have something more intimate and unique. we went through a list of places that could possibly work from wineries, to museums to whatever else anyone reccommended. our final choice was a women's club. they seem to be pretty popular out in these parts. i never really heard of them until i was planning a wedding. we looked at three: maplewood, montclair and glenridge. we decided on the glenridge women's club because it is just lovely and full of light.

so there's a lot of change in the air. i turn 31 tomorrow. i just realized that 21 was 10 years ago!! wow, time flies. 31 is decidedly better than 21. along with that comes a whole new phase to life which is at once scary and exciting. i'll keep you posted. xoxox