diagnosis.

It's been a while since I checked in. Truth is, I tried to write a few blogs, but my mind was too fuzzy. The last two weeks went by pretty quickly and now I am finding a rythym to keep things moving forward. After a long time of going to doctors and complaining of pain, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last week. You probably have heard of it from the Lyrica commercials where the woman talks about how it hurts all over -- that could have been me talking.

It wasn't much of a surprise since I started to really hone in on the spots that were giving me the most pain. I would wake up with incredible pain in my elbows, my neck and shoulders were in a constant state of tension and my low back was tender. Apparently all part of the sensitivity points to diagnose fibro (see the image to the right courtesy of wikipedia). It's thought that the nerves are in over drive. It makes sense to me, since after taking the medicine, things all over seem less tense. There were parts of my body that were numb or tingly all the time and that is starting to dissipate.

I have heard that it's common to go through the diagnosis stream of lyme to chronic fatigue to fibromyalgia because the last two are what they call diagnoses of exclusion. Trust me, there is nothing exclusive about it. It's been almost a year of visiting doctors and specialists to be told that it's nothing. That and the fact that on the outside I look fairly normal which caused family, friend and coworkers to question the validity of me being sick. It was a bummer on all accounts. Luckily, Jared has been so supportive and in fact was the person who pushed me to go to more doctors when I still didn't feel well.

So now what do I do? I'm not totally sure. I took my first Lyrica pill on Friday night and woke up Saturday feeling like I ate a pot brownie and had no pain. It was euphoric and wonderful. I took a yoga class, had lunch with some girls and then even accompanied Jared to pick out the tuxes. Then, there was the crash. The pain slowly snuck back, it was time for me to take another pill and things sort of subsided, but I was beat!

Today I realized that I need to be really sensitive to my body and where it's at on a given day. I can't jump back into life just because I feel 'better' -- feeling that euphoric high isn't really a cure either. I am sure there will be some time to get used to this drug in my system, but for now, I am just trying to live a life where I participate but also know my boundaries and when to just step back and rest. That's a tough one.

When I took class yesterday, it was my class -- the one I have taught for almost four years! So it was interesting to step in and be on the other side. I am lucky to have a great teacher and friend taking over the class while I am gone, so I had no reservations about not being the teacher, I think I just found it neat to be a student amongst my own students; it was rather liberating.

I had taken a class a few weeks ago with my dear teacher and the theme was subject vs. object in which we explored the idea that usually we are the subject in life. But what happens when we allow that which is around us to be the subject as we assume the object role? Think about it, in our lives, we are the subject, but sometimes we need to step back and just let things be -- step out of that giving role and allow yourself to receive. Being sick has shown me that it's ok to let down your guard and just rest when you need to, or you will just wear out. There are a few times when we are called to be the object that I can think of and those are in learning and healing. (I am sure there are many more, but we usually find a way to make ourselves the subject.)

Ironically in the my Saturday class we went to kick up into handstands at the wall and I was not quite making it. I had a couple of failed attempts where I got just up to the wall but my legs flailed and so I came down. It was part lack of practice and part drug-induced lack of balance. I assisted some other students into the pose and returned to my mat. As I returned to the mat, a lovely student asked me if I wanted an assist. I didn't take long to think about it, but when I replied, I had this happy grin. With a quick kick I was up at the wall and then balancing, but the best part is that I didn't have to be the subject, I just got to be a part of it. Something about that moment made me feel like I was just in the right place.

wearing in vs. wearing out

i know, it's been a long time since i've blogged. things have been hectic - as life can be - but i'm back and hopefully better than ever.

since i've been sick, there have been good days and bad ones, but for the most part the last six to eight months have been a blur. i remember the big things, and there were some BIG, big things like getting engaged, my grandmother passing away, my father having a heart attack and my sister getting married....but the day-to-day is very blurry. it's sad, you know. there have been a few times on my mad dash to Penn station where i actually looked and and got caught up in the beauty of NYC at night -- but those times have been few and far between. life over the past few months was more about getting by than stopping to smell the roses. to be honest, i am more of a stop and smell the roses type of girl.

over the thanksgiving holiday, jared and i watched the tail end of this documentary called objectified which explores our relationship with objects, how we interact with them on a day-to-day basis and how that relationship has changed and will need to change again in order to sustain what we have here on earth. anyway, there was something that someone said as he looked at this old beat up chevy truck, he said, 'i would rather wear something in than wear something out'. it sort of stuck with me. it actually solidified to me that taking time to rest and recover was what i really needed in the long run, or i would wear out for good.

when i came back from our holiday, i used this as a theme in my yoga classes. there are many times that we just push through to get to the next thing -- making things into a blur. but as yoga teaches us there is so much to be gleaned from the getting to- and being in-, that should make every moment cherishable. i reflected on my life and found that there was more of me getting worn out while i should be just getting worn in.

that subtle shift is something that i needed to gain some perspective. i had been sick for months, just pushing along and it was time to stop getting worn out. so now, i am taking some time to rest and recover and to allow life to wear me in. over the next 90 days i am not working or teaching. it will be both a relief and a challenge, but something that i need (and maybe we all need) to do. i decided to blog over these next few weeks to keep myself accountable, but also to encourage others who want to stop getting worn out.

this morning i got to take class with a beloved teacher and friend. it's funny how as a yoga teacher and full time professional the luxury of taking a class is something i almost forgot about. there's a huge difference between doing some sun salutations and poses in your bedroom to that of taking class and being in the presence of a bunch of people who really want to be there and feel whatever may come up. it was sort of exhilarating to be there and as my aching body moved, feel in the moment.

there's a difference between just working yourself to tiredness and engaging your body, mind and spirit in something in essence it's the same difference as wearing something out is to wearing something in. because no matter how simple the movement was (and it was a basic class) it brought me back to why i love this practice of yoga - off the mat and on. it's the simple feeling of being alive in your body. i know, it sounds sort of cheesy, but it's like when you just feel ok with you pains and all. i think that as my pains got worse, i got more disconnected with my body -- and it was because of fear, fear of the pain itself.

so here's a good question to ask yourself each day: are you wearing out or just getting worn in?

the yoga of the bbq.

Long weekend of yoga-ing and bbq-ing.

After a heavy (read: groovy) sanskrit workshop -- the path of luminous shabda -- I arrived home to find Jared practicing his own yoga.

Happy Equinox!

This gorgeous sunrise started the first day of the Anusara Gathering
out in Estes Park, Colorado. We scrambled to get to morning meditation with Sally Kempton which was really wonderful.

We just finished today's master class with John Friend. What an
amazing place to be and come together as a collective group. John has been talking a lot about the underlying idealology that Anusara Yoga starts from a place of honoring the spirit. At a time like the Equinox, the dusk of the yearly seasons, we can take a pause and reflect upon the past year and from a perspective of openness we can assess what we've gained. Talking a pause to look back and honor life.

Being a part of this community has changed me. Not only has it taught me to honor myself but it has also taught me that I am worthy of love and goodness. This past year has been a total testament I that. The best thing I gained this year was the understanding that I am worthy of love. And from that understanding love came to me.

Sometimes all the effort in the world is not as powerful as just
letting yourself allow things in and learning to receive.

Namaste

vacation time

i'm off for a well-needed vacation to the 1st Annual Anusara Gathering, which is part of the yoga journal confernce -- i am so excited to be going to this (i really need a vacation that is outside of a cell service range). it should be a real treat. Each day you get to join in with group meditation, then a master class with the man, the myth, the legend.... john friend and then a daily workshop with a senior teacher. i decided to take this opportunity to take classes with teachers i haven't studied with before. i typically go for the noah maze, sianna sherman, niame jezzeny, ross rayburn set, so this time around i picked some names i haven't practiced with. Here are my picks for the conference:

• Darren Rhodes- Adhikara: Experiences of Expansion as a Student (All levels) Fuel the fire of your Adhikara (studentship) in this intimate class. Learn as Darren shares his key experiences with John Friend that continues to inspire and sustain him on the path of yoga. Includes forward folds, twists, and hip openers.

• Desiree Rumbaugh- Hearts of Courage (All levels) Explore the practice and principles of backbending in order to enter the cave of the heart and dwell inside to experience further expansion. Learn to engage the heart's courage to move deeper into the fullness of your backbends.
  

• Amy Ippoliti- Power in Numbers: The Kula That Plays Together Stays Together Celebrate the power of community (kula) and the potency of raising consciousness through individual and group intention. Through heart openers, hand balances and other poses, explore harmonious vibration, communication, and sensitivity as they pertain to health in community relationships.
  

Note: i took the pic in the corner while hiking up in western mass with brian, sage and jared.

luckily i get to share a room with some great fellow yogis. this should be a blast. i'm sure i can live-blog from my phone, cause i'm a yoga nerd like that.

mountain girls reunited! (me and atg) @ marseilles in manhattan

in other news, alpha 'n is in town. i got a chance to catch up with my favorite cocoa puff and her new man, mr. scandanavia himself, martin. i think he's a keeper. it was sooooo good to have alpha around again. atg, if you are reading this, i think you should follow jared's lead and move on back to jerz!

also, i broke down and joined facebook since my friend, neal, told me that it's myspace for adults. if you're reading this and are on the 'book, friend me.

cleansed.

i made it through the three-day cleanse easily! i would definitely do it for five days next time. i feel great. yesterday when i broke the fast i wasn't starving or cranky, plus i got homemade indian breakfast (courtesy of joyti, mona's mom) which is totally amazing and gluten free!! i was pretty impressed over all with the cleanse. the hardest part was going out to dinner for mona's birthday at a thai place and just drinking the juice. i almost caved and had some soup, but i am so glad i didn't. overall i would recommend this cleanse.

the weekend was really great, too. i went down to ocean grove, nj to celebrate my dear friend/mentor/former youth leader/ former boss/ former roommate's 40th birthday. mona is pictured to the right, she was my young life leader whom i met my sophomore year of high school. it was great to be around so many people that had been touched by the way she lives her life. we spent the weekend at this gorgeous bed & breakfast where we had the run of the place, which was also a block from the beach. it turned out to be a gorgeous day to get some sunburn - which i did. mona's parents came down on sunday to celebrate and we got the opportunity to get some words of wisdom from manu, her father. he read our palms and told us all to get married asap!

it was a little strange to be with so many religious people. but i guess it really comes down to what you love and how you express it. there were a few that were taken aback with the fact that i was a yoga teacher. granted most of them thought i was a bible-thumper, but they had this misconception of what yoga was and thought that if they did it they would become evil or something. it's strange, but i understood where they were coming from. growing up catholic and then becoming a born againer, i was taught that things like yoga were associated with 'the occult'. the idea of chanting or mediating was totally out of the question even though those things aren't much
different from their concept of prayer.

i remembered my first experience with yoga. i was kidnapped by my friends and brought over to the ananda ashram. it was there that i got my first taste of yoga, chanting and meditation. i was horrible at all of them, but the chanting part totally freaked me out. they chanted for like an hour, all in sanskrit, and i couldn't handle it. all i thought was, this is evil, this is 'the occult'. but as i looked around, i saw people that loved and supported me, people that definitely weren't evil and though maybe they were a little eclectic, they definitely weren't assocating in 'the occult'. i got so overwhelmed that i cried, and then some monk guy came over and gave me a translation of what they were chanting. i read it and realized it was not unlike the psalms or hyms that i knew. it took me a long while to get comfortable with a lot of the aspects of yoga, but that day i drew a distinct connection to the idea of devotion and worship that is inherent in all religions. (ps: i took the pic to the left in front of our b & b - the flowers and butterflies abounded!)

it may be something you have to experience first-hand, but the power of god (big g or little g/ higher power/ shiva/ mohammed/ jesus, et. al) is there ready to be tapped. sometimes it takes a different name, or a different space. it was hard for me to explain this to people that were so engrossed in their own world. i am lucky to have experienced a few different spirtual things. it wasn't like i went there to preach, but i definitely told people how i believe. maybe it's just the act of believing - in anything - that's so powerful.